I wrote to instill the memories, to recall everything I couldn't in the future. I wrote for the sole reason that they would be only memories, because I didn't hope for the future. I wrote about memories to learn from my mistakes, because I would need to look back and restrain from a repeat. I did not think relationships could last very long, always wondering if there would be a tomorrow, and if not, then I have something to read upon. A search for what I have done wrong.

Now, I want to write so that I may remember you. No, it is not that I think we will not last; quite the opposite, in fact, because instead of hoping, I do know. I never want to forget, though. I want to pay more attention to all that I say, all that you say. I want to record us as we were, as we are, as we will be.

You are the memory I want to keep f o r e v e r.

-Silver Ice Crystal

 
1.26.09

If I hadn't prepared myself for this sudden event I might have... I don't really know, but it wouldn't be good and it's not something I like to think upon. But it's just.. I knew it. I knew it! And yet I couldn't bring myself to prevent it. Scratch that--I didn't try because it was so damn obvious.

I know. I know she left me because she started falling for someone else. That's great, huh? I have a feeling my art is going to become very.. dark. And the contact is going to come to a halt. I don't want school to come and I never want to see them together.

I'll just run.

-Silver Ice Crystal

Check List before I leave:
Send mom money
Send mom a letter
Call uncle Jerry about mother issue
Buy gifts for the family
Get things back from Michael
Pay bills
Tell either the uncle or the gparents the stuff for mom
Save up money for bail
Get Paige's number
Hang out with Shel-billy

I need help. I can't do this myself. I mean, I've done it the past half a year but I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I just need a little help... I want to save mother from jail, from being deported, but the grandparents are telling me all these things. These "truths" of the law, about mother. They don't want to help her, I know they don't. And they think they can change me.

I told them, "Stop thinking so negatively." They say. "It's not negative. It's the truth." That isn't something you tell ME. YOU DO NOT FUCKING TELL ME THAT IS THE TRUTH OF HOW IT GOES. Because I fucking already know, but the hope you instill is just false lies. It's not even within the category. And no one is here to tell me wrong. Don't try and make my life harder or the emotional stress that I'm failing to hold.

I want to leave. I want run and not come back.

Ara ara, I do believe that I'm in a more calm than I was before the end of the relationship and afterwards. I can safely, but shortly, look back.

With Avery I felt like we were any other couple: tangible. That isn't very common with people I date. We were great. We were okay. And that was enough for me. I didn't need the constant talking or the drama that usually follows. We didn't fight [I doubt we ever argued], we talked, we understood each other. That's all I needed, was that all she needed? I don't really know.

But, yeah, it felt real. I really thank her for that. Now I can say I've had a relationship [since Chloe] that went well. :] And, it wasn't my fault. At first, I blamed myself but I realized nothing was ever my fault.

SO I AM REALLY INTO THIS CUTE SONG. :] With Claymore characters dancing. Oh babyyy.

-Silver Ice Crystal

Time for real me writing and not me writing to express and impress. I told her, "I think I understand now." I didn't expect her to answer or to not answer; it was a simple statement I wanted her to know. She says, "What do you think you get?" I wonder to myself: do I tell her now, just outright and about? Should I wait for a more opportune moment? No. Answer what she asks, do not cower. Even if you're wrong at least you tried to understand, you tried to get what she was saying.

A small introduction. I don't think I was able to think for myself or in quite the right mind when it unfolded before me. I thought that everything was going well, so good, that I would never have to look at different perspectives again, clouded by the infinite enjoyment compared to what used to be. I had helped people with their significant others, providing feedback on multiple viewpoints as to their actions and words when given the background. And after I got my happiness, my acute awareness began to decrease because I was caught up in everything else.

I don't know what happened. I don't know why I didn't see it before. I gave you logical reasons when you came to me, but I wasn't giving you my full input or ability. I think you understood I didn't understand as much as you'd like me to have even when I said I did. At some points I did, and other I couldn't really decide if put into that situation.

I read in between the lines and went off what you told me days before your current problem. The reason you don't talk to me may be the fact that what you're contemplating has to do with me and the interference of my presence or words might distract what you're trying to discover on your own. That includes avoiding topics of me. In which case you might wonder why I say goodnight to you every night. Simple: so that you know I still talk to you, am not mad or angered, and that when you're ready to say or you want to talk to me that I'll answer. That you know I'm here.

You want to be yourself around everyone; family, friends, me. I don't know if you're yourself around me because I haven't really met the fake you either, but I like what I know and see so far but be it fake or not, I want to know all of you. Anyway, I remember you told me that once you tried to be yourself, your family said they wanted the old Avery back. They got so used to seeing the fake you they don't know the real you, and you got caught up in being fake that the real you coincided with the fake causing disruption. Or you lost yourself in it.  You want to stop hiding and be able to do things your way

Not only that, but because you've been living up to everyone's expectations that you can't do what you want instead of what they want. Now that you've found something you want, despite it being what they hate, they don't accept because you're going against their wishes for your own. You're torn between rebelling for what you want and what they want from you. What I say to that is: would you rather have something that makes you happy and follow what you want, or follow something you're not happy with for their sake? You've been so indulged with their practice and influence you can't break away to what you want to do, what you want to think, what you want to follow, what you want in general.

The only reason they are mad is because you aren't doing what they tell you to, giving them the control every human craves.

That's why I think I get it. Tell me wrong.

-Stardust